Days 17 & 18: A Bittersweet Parting

Day 7: Friday, Jan. 24th
After nearly a week of constant blood pressure monitoring in the hospital following the delivery, the doctor finally decided that I could go home.  It was definitely a bittersweet day.  I was so sick of being in the hospital and ready to be done with it all, but I hated the thought of leaving my baby and not being able to just go down the hall to see him anytime. 

When I finally did get home around 9:00pm--(home to my parents' house with whom we've been living since Thanksgiving while our house was being built)-- I realized I had left one of the pieces of the pump at the hospital so Mike turned around and went back to the hospital to get that tiny little piece for me, what a guy!  I went home on Labetalol for my blood pressure (600 mg 3 x day) and Lovenox self-injections for APS--the blood-clotting disorder which I may or may not have.  I was finally able to get a better night's sleep, except for waking up in the middle of the night to pump, but it was extremely difficult coming home without my baby.

 

 

Day 8: Saturday, Jan. 25th
Today marked Landon's one week birthday, and what a great surprise it was when we got to the NICU and Landon had been taken off of the ventilator and had nasal cannulas!  His little lungs looked like they were working so hard, but the doctors say it's important to get him off the ventilator as soon as possible because it causes damage to his lungs as it forces them in and out.  Taking him off will give his lungs a chance to grow and work on their own. 

Mike finally put his hand in Landon's isolette tonight and let him hold his finger with his little hand for the first time today.  It was really precious seeing my two guys like that.   

We received another great surprise tonight when Dr. Christensen showed us Landon's head ultrasound from this morning.  We have been so worried all week waiting for these results, especially because the doctor told us it is normal to find at least a little bleeding and bruising in the brain of a 25 week baby.  In fact, he said he expected to see at least a little. So I couldn't believe it when the nurse told us his ultrasound looked good, and the doctor showed us the images of his brain and explained that there was no bleeding or bruising in Landon's little brain at all.  Nothing looked abnormal or misshapen either.  The doctor told us he didn't know how we were so lucky and that this is the kind of ultrasound you could put in a textbook for what you want to see in a 25 week baby.

We are so incredibly blessed--I have been asking Heavenly Father for a miracle and I feel my prayers were answered.  This is the first time that I cried tears of joy instead of sorrow, pain, and despair.  For the first time I felt hope.  I felt some reassurance that he is a strong little fighter. 



Landon holding my finger, working hard to breathe with the nasal cannulas, and blowing bubbles from all the air

Week 1: The NICU & More Bed Rest

Day 2: Sunday, Jan. 19th
I spent most of the day sleeping because I was still so exhausted from the previous week and a half.  Mike stayed with me all day and helped me get up when I needed to go to the bathroom.  Every time that I had to get up out of the bed and walk to the bathroom I was in excrutiating pain around my incision.  Somebody brought me in a breast pump early in the morning while I was still pretty out of it and just left it there with a kit.  I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do with it or when I was supposed to use it or how often or anything, so I think I tried pumping once or twice that day. 

It seems like everyone was asking us what his name was, and I just kept saying that he doesn't have one yet.  We literally had just found out that we were having a boy three weeks before I went into the hospital... how could we already have a name???  On top of that, I was pretty much still in denial about the whole situation for the first couple of days.  It was really hard for me to think about mine and my baby's situations because that meant I would have to admit that they really took him from me, that he was no longer inside me, that I was not pregnant anymore, and that my baby was currently struggling to cling to life.  Every time I thought about it I broke down crying, so I think as a defense mechanism I tried not to think about it too much.

My blood pressure stayed pretty low during the day while I was on the Magnesium.  When they finally took me off the Mag later that night, Mike wheeled me down to the NICU to see our baby.  I remember sitting next to his isolette in my wheelchair and looking at a tiny, frail body with all sorts of tubes and wires hooked up to him.  He was in a small plastic bag, which we were told helped him maintain his body temperature.  He was also wearing a giant beanie that covered his eyes to shield them from the phototherapy lights which shined on him to help with jaundice.  He was also hooked up to the oscillator ventilator which constantly shakes his little body to keep the oxygen and CO2 moving properly in and out of his lungs.  I was able to put my finger in the tiny palm of his hand and he grasped it, and I started crying and couldn't believe this was my little baby that was safe inside me just yesterday.

Days 3-6: Monday Jan. 20th - Thursday Jan. 23rd
My blood pressure started slowly going back up after I came off of the Magnesium, so they had to start me on Labetalol again.  Mike stayed with me at the hospital all day until my mom came up in the afternoon so that Mike could go home to shower.  A NICU lactation specialist came in and asked if I had been pumping 8 times a day starting 6 hours after the baby was delivered, and I just started crying because I had no idea even how to pump let alone how often and I had been asleep the first 6 hours after the c-section.  Now I felt like an even more terrible mother.  She showed me how to use the pump and gave me some literature on methods and how often I should be doing it.  Because I would only be using a pump to stimulate my milk supply it is really important that I do it 6-8 times a day in order to keep my supply for longer.

The days in the hospital following the c-section were extremely difficult both physically and emotionally for me.  The doctor wanted me up and walking around 4 times a day to help the incision heal, so I would try to walk as far as I could to the NICU then be wheeled the rest of the way.  But whenever I got up to do anything my BP would skyrocket and then they wanted me laying down and doing nothing and would have to take my blood pressure every 20 minutes until it went back down.  The lactation specialist wanted me pumping 8 times a day, I needed to be eating 3 meals, showering, and visiting my baby in the NICU as well.  On top of that there were non-stop people in my room all day.  I could not find a way to do all of these things when people were in my room talking to me or asking questions, having me fill out paperwork, or taking my vitals and giving me meds all of the time.  I finally broke down crying to Mike one morning because I just couldn't do it all and I was absolutely sick of being in the hospital and dealing with all of this every day and night.  It was already the most emotionally difficult and trying situation that I have ever experienced and not being able to live up to everyone's expectations was making it even more difficult.

I walked down to the NICU as often as I could find time to--and as long as my BP was down.  It felt like a place where I could escape that awful room and all of the doctors, nurses, and professionals who were constantly in my room telling me what they wanted me to do.  Being in that room and listening to all of the other healthy babies cry as they were being wheeled to their moms was one of the hardest parts of the whole experience.  I knew that would never be me and my baby.  So I would escape to the NICU and be with my little one as often as I could.  After I started to accept that this whole situation was real, I started to feel completely hopeless.  I felt certain that this would not end well and so I determined to spend as much time as I could with my baby while I could.  We also finally settled on a name: Landon Michael Thompson.  Landon was not a name that we had ever considered before our hospital stay, but the name came to me one night while I laid awake in the hospital bed and we both felt it was right.

The NICU nurses told us that our baby needed limited stimulation to simulate being in the womb and encourage development, so he had a blanket over his isolette and we were not supposed to stroke his skin because it would be very painful for his overly sensitive and fragile skin.  Instead, we could comfort him by holding our hands on his head and feet with soft yet firm pressure.  Landon was on Dopamine to help increase his blood pressure.  He had umbilical lines through which he received his meds and TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) to help simulate the nutrition he was receiving in the womb.  He was also being given drops of colostrum and tiny amounts of my milk.  He was given Glycerin enemas to help him pass all of the meconium so they could start feeding him more milk. The tiny preemie diapers are so huge on him.  His eyes were still fused shut at this point, but one eye was barely starting to slit open in the corner.

 He is just so sweet and precious and perfect---We just love him so very much

Landon's story- Part 2: Delivery

Landon's Journey Day 1: Saturday Jan. 18th
Once we got moved back to Labor and Delivery, I got hooked back up to the baby monitor and had a catheter put in.  My IV was not going to be big enough for all the drugs they needed to give me, so they called in the house specialist to try and get a new site.  I was so swollen that she could not get any of the veins that she tried.  So, they called in an anesthesiologist and assured me he is the best and always gets it his first try.  Well... he tried in two locations and was also unable to get one in.  Next thing I know, they are calling Transfusion Services to send someone up to put a midline in.  I had no idea what this meant... until they sent someone up with an ultrasound machine who draped my arm and sterilized it then told me they would be using the ultrasound to find a deeper vein and thread a very long line into my vein.  I had to have a local shot first before the actual line was placed because it was going to be so deep.  As soon as the midline was in, they started the Magnesium Sulfate up again.

Once again I was restricted to ice chips, and I spent the rest of the day in bed contemplating the situation.  The doctor told me that they would try to deliver me vaginally first but that they were going to put an epidural in just in case they had to do a c-section. They gave me Pitocin to induce labor and a nurse checked me and told me my cervix was soft and she could fit one finger through it.  She said that my body was probably preparing to deliver.  This made me feel a little less scared because I was now expecting to be able to deliver the baby vaginally.  The anesthesiologist came in and put in the epidural, and we both thought things were going pretty well and that we would be waiting all night for me to dilate now so we sent our families home and tried to settle in for a long night. 

About 2 hours later, a nurse came in and said "Looks like we need to take you for a c-section right now." What??? This came out of nowhere.  I started crying and told her the doctor said I could try vaginally first.  She told me that the baby's heart beat did not look active enough since they restarted the Magnesium and so a c-section would be safest for him.  I was totally not expecting going into surgery and at this point I just felt hopeless.  I felt like I had no say in what was going to happen anymore.  I couldn't stop them from taking me into surgery...and I couldn't stop them from taking my baby.  There was nothing that I could do to convince them that I was fine and that he didn't need to come out yet.  I hate to admit it, but what I felt at that moment was that they were going to take my baby out of me, he is too little and underdeveloped to survive, and he is not going to make it.

They wheeled my bed into the operating room and Mike put on his scrubs and stood by my head.  They put some medicine into my epidural and kept asking me to wiggle my toes.  I remember Dr. Lister asking me if I could feel that, and I said "No, but I can still wiggle my toes" and Mike informed me that they were already cutting me open....Thanks Mike, that's reassuring. The surgery was kind of a blur for me.  Apparently when she cut my skin open, I was so swollen that water squirted straight up all over her mask and even got on Mike.  The doctor said she had never seen that happen before.  The next thing I knew they were saying look at your baby, and I was looking at Mike asking where the baby was.  He pointed to the right and I looked over in time to see the tiniest baby I'd ever seen, pink all over, with a head covered in dark hair... and he wasn't crying or moving at all. 

They rushed him out of the OR and into an adjacent room that I could slightly see into through a window.  Mike went with the neonatologist and they worked to resuscitate him and get him breathing.  Our NICU admit papers say that it took them 8 minutes to get him intubated and breathing. The doctor started sewing me up in the meantime.  Mike came back after a bit and showed me some pictures that he took on his phone and asked if I would be ok if he went with the baby down to the NICU.  I asked him if the baby was breathing and how much he weighed, and he said they got him intubated and breathing and that he weighed 1 lb 7 oz. Then I told him I would be ok and to go.  Our little baby was born on January 18th at 8:08 pm weighing 1 lb 7 oz and 12 1/2 inches long.


After they sewed me up, they wheeled me into a recovery room where our families were already waiting.  I felt absolutely terrible.  I was totally out of it from the epidural and Magnesium and could hardly keep my eyes focused or open.  And all I could think about was that they just took my baby out of me, and he is too small. I didn't have any words to say. I couldn't even cry anymore because the drugs had me so out of it.  Mike came back after a while and showed some pictures to the family.  The neonatologist, Dr. Sheffield, came in and talked to us for a while.  I don't really remember what he said because I was having such a hard time focusing.  The one thing that I remember him saying was that we could expect our baby to be in the NICU at least until his due date...May 2nd.  

After a few hours, they moved me back to the same post-partum room that I had spent my bed rest stay in--Rm 4111.  On the way they wheeled my bed into the NICU and parked me next to my baby's isolette.  All I could see was a tiny body with a protruding skeleton and a giant hat covering his head.  Again, I don't remember a lot of it. The nurses in post-partum were still going to have to keep a close eye on me because preeclampsia can start back up again post-partum and will most likely happen within the first few days, but can happen anytime within 6-8 weeks post-partum.  They told me that I would not be able to go back down to the NICU to see my baby until I was off the Magnesium the next day.  Mike took down each of our parents to see the baby and get their names on our visitors' list-- we can only have a total of 6 people that can visit the baby during flu and cold season including ourselves.  In the meantime, I was asleep off and on as medical personnel came and left from my room.  That first night my blood pressure stayed relatively low and I was able to get some much needed rest that had evaded me the entire previous week and a half.

Landon's Story Part 1: Bed Rest

Day 1: Wednesday Jan. 8th
It all started on Wednesday January 8th, when I woke up for the third day in a row with a completely puffy and swollen face.  I was so puffy around my eyes that I didn't even look like myself.  I did a google search for "swollen face during pregnancy" and found a lot of results for preeclampsia.  So, I decided to stop and check my blood pressure at the grocery store on my way into town.  I have always had low blood pressure, so I was shocked when it read 167/104.  I rechecked it two more times and it was just as high each time. 

I called my OB's office and they told me to come for a BP check and to test for protein in my urine.  They kept me hooked up to the BP cuff for about an hour, and my BP didn't hardly go down at all.  Then they got my urine labs back and told me there were significant amounts of proteins so they were going to contact my doctor to find out what she wanted to do with me. The nurse came back and said they were going to take me to labor and delivery and do a 24-hour urine catch to check my protein levels over time. 

When they got me to labor and delivery, they hooked up an IV with Magnesium Sulfate--which helps prevent seizures and helps stabilize the baby's brain.  It made me super hot and heavy-headed and made it hard to focus my eyes.  I thought it was weird that they would hook me up to an IV when I was going home in the morning...That's when the doctor came in and told me they were going to give me steroid shots to help the baby's lungs develop.  Then she told me what I had dreaded hearing--that I would most likely be delivering a preterm baby and would most likely be staying in the hospital until he came.  I was in shock! I literally thought I was just stopping by for a blood pressure check and would be on my way.  I was only 23 weeks 5 days pregnant...I was not ready to deliver.  I never got to that chapter of the book because I was supposed to have 3 1/2 months left to go! Forget about me not being ready.  More importantly, my baby was far from being ready to face life outside the womb.  I remembered reading that 23-24 weeks was barely the age of viability with over half of babies not surviving.  This was what scared me the most.

I knew that my baby and I needed a blessing. Mike's dad gave me a beautiful blessing, and late that night a member of our bishopric and one of our home teachers came and Mike and I each a priesthood blessing. I know that these blessings helped us through the next few weeks.

Day 2: Thursday Jan. 9th
The next day was spent in bed in labor and delivery on Magnesium Sulfate. My 24-hr urine test confirmed the worst. At levels of 7000+ and with my protein so high, I had severe preeclampsia and would have to stay in the hospital on bed rest until the baby came. The doctor told me they wanted to give me the second round of steroids and then hoped to make it at least 24 hours before having to deliver me. Again, I was shocked. I felt totally fine! How could my life be in so much danger that they would have to take my baby away from me and endanger his life in the process???

I determined then and there that I was going to do everything in my power to suffer through hospitalized bed rest and make it to the 28 week mark, which was the next big milestone for the baby. Little did I know that I wouldn't have any control over what would happen.

I wasn't allowed to eat anything except ice chips-- so I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast the day before. They monitored the baby's heart the whole time, and every time I had to go to the bathroom it was a big ordeal unhooking me from half of the stuff and wheeling my IV in with me. I was also hooked up to a BP cuff that would pump up and take my BP every 20 minutes--even all through the night. That afternoon, I got the second round of steroid shots (in the bottom!) and the doctor decided I could eat some clear fluids. So, I went wild and ordered some beef broth and jello to go along with my lemonade-flavored ice chips. 

Day 3: Friday Jan. 10th
Every morning of my hospitalized bed rest stay started off with a phlebotemist coming in at 6:30 am to draw my blood for labs, and did I mention I HATE needles!  My labs looked normal the next morning--checking for liver and kidney function-- and my BP was being controlled by IV meds, so they decided to move me to a room in ante-partum (which is actually in post-partum).  They stopped the Mag and moved me to the other room, which was much smaller--especially Mike's sofa bed.  I told Mike to go ahead and go to work because I didn't know how long I was going to be in the hospital.  Because his work is only 5 minutes away, I told him to just keep his phone on him and I would call him if anything changed.

I had an appointment with maternal-fetal medicine today. They did a complete ultrasound of the baby to check all of his organs and measurements. He was only measuring 1lb 5oz, but all of his organs were looking good. Dr. Andres came in to talk to me after the ultrasound, and he told me that there was an 80% chance that this time next week I would not be pregnant.  My heart sank...but I was still determined to keep this baby inside for as long as possible to give him the best fighting chance.

Days 4-10: Saturday Jan. 11th-Friday Jan. 17th
I could not have made it through the next week of my hospital stay without my mom and Mike.  Mike spent every night of my entire 16-night stay in the hospital on the sofa couch beside me.  I know it was neither comfortable nor convenient for him, but he never complained.  He got up with me multiple times each night to help me to the bathroom, he texted my BP stats to my mom, he helped me get comfortable in my bed, helped me order meals, and he prayed and read the scriptures with me every night.  He even helped me shower, shave, and blow dry my hair one time.  I feel like we grew closer during this time together.  Mike would stay with me in the morning until my mom could get to the hospital.  She would stay with me for most of the day until Mike came back at night.  She took time away from her work and home to make sure that I was doing ok at the hospital.  She helped me order meals, get to the bathroom, shower and blow dry my hair, kept me company, and sat with me while I napped.  I am so thankful for the selfless service of my mom and husband, and I know that Heavenly Father will greatly bless them for it.

For the most part the doctors and nurses were able to keep my BP under control with oral and IV meds.  They had to keep gradually increasing my oral Labetalol in order to keep from having to give me too much IV Hydralizine.  I went through 3 different IV's during this time because my sites kept burning when they flushed them and would go bad.  They also began giving me two shots of Heparin a day because Dr. Andres was concerned that I might possibly have a condition called Anti-Phospholipid Syndrome.  They did some blood work that was inconclusive and will not be able to officially diagnose until I have a second set of blood work done 12 weeks from the first set.  So, until then they will simply treat me as if I have it... which means blood thinner shots--yay more needles!  Between the IV's, the lab blood draws every morning, and the Heparin shots, my arms were just covered in giant bruises.

In addition to the bruising, my body started retaining fluids like crazy.  This had begun with my facial swelling, but during my first week and a half in the hospital I gained 14 pounds in water weight!  Needless to say, I was looking extremely puffy and swollen all over.  My legs and feet were so swollen that it was extremely difficult just getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom.  I hardly recognized my face and body when I saw it in the mirror. My skin was stretched so fast from the swelling that it basically started tearing and I ended up with all sorts of new stretch marks --even on my ankles, feet, and knees-- and my skin hurt incredibly to touch.

The night of Friday, January 17th I had a bad feeling when I was eating my dinner as my mom was leaving and Mike was getting there.  Things just didn't feel quite right.  One nurse mentioned that I should pay attention to any feelings of "impending doom," and that is how I would describe how I felt.  I couldn't hardly eat anything for dinner, and as I was trying to go to bed I started feeling this sharp pain on the right side of my rib cage.  It hurt every time I breathed and I could not fall asleep, so I asked the nurse for an Ambien and tried to go back to sleep.  The pain kept getting worse so I told Mike and the nurse about it and the doctor decided to have some blood drawn for lab work.  I was upset and crying because I felt terrible and could not sleep, and was even more upset and worried about how my labs would come back.  I was so worked up that my blood pressure started rising, and by the time my lab results came back my BP was up around 200/110.  On top of that my lab results came back showing that my liver functions were decreasing.  At about 4:30 am on Saturday morning, the nurse told me that I would be moving back to labor and delivery.  I was so upset--I had failed at keeping my baby safe and now they were going to take him away from me.  I could not stop crying and could not be consoled. Mike called family to let them know I was going back to L&D and we tried our best to pack up all of the stuff we had collected in the previous week and a half to move over to another room.

Day 11: Saturday Jan. 18th
Somewhere in all of the commotion of packing stuff to move rooms Mike missed the nurse telling me that they were taking me to L&D to have the baby.  He did not realize that the baby was coming today.  When the new nurse in L&D told him this once we got all moved, it really sank in to him and we both cried.  This was not how we wanted to welcome our first baby into our family, and the situation was overwhelmingly real now.